Things I never thought I'd say

“Oh no please don’t stick my fingers in your nose.”

 

I can hear this in your voice and it is so precious while also hilarious.

 

We were having such a sweet time cuddling on the couch too!

 

Toddler wails.
“What hurts?” Toddler grabs injured body part, which is just bumped and not really injured. “Would you like some placebo medicine?”
(Sniffles) “Yeah.”
I then pretend to apply medicine to the injury.
“Did that help?”
“Yeah.” At this point he usually stops crying and goes off on his merry way.

In 20 years he can’t say I was lying to him.

 

“You can do ONE naked dance, then it’s bedtime.”

 

Why don't you like fun, fish.

 

Overheard really, but I bet the mom never thought she'd have to explain this.

Kid: But why can't I buy it for Paulie??
Mom: It's nice to buy her gifts, but that is a cat toy. Paulie is a human, and you need to get her a toy for humans.

ETA: Maybe Polly? But they both said it more like PAW-lee, which is extra funny given cat toy.

 

Things I never thought I’d type:

A detailed email about the potty training process which included the sentence “He has very strong feelings about wearing green underpants”.

 

Not something I said, but something that I never thought I'd do.

This morning I wiped yogurt off a balloon.

 

Wait... Same balloon from your IG story??

 

@Rico Suave oh yeah that thing is so loved. I'm dreading when it loses all its helium.

 

That thing is resilient!! I’m impressed.

 

“Sweetie, I need to take a foot kissing break.”

 

"No no no, we don't lick the counter."

 

I say that every day

 

“That’s ok to do, we just generally want to do that when we’re by ourselves in our room.”

I’ll let you all deduce on that one.

 

“Yes I’m eating this brownie for breakfast but you wouldn’t like it because it’s spicy.”

 

M apparently likes spicy things now so I can't use that anymore. I miss that lie already.

 

Cosmopolitans are also spicy.

 

"She drinks way too much bath water."

 

“Yes, I assume David Attenborough has a penis.”
Yay, we’ve reached THAT phase.

 

"Please do not wipe your vulva and then your mouth [with toilet paper]."

 

“Ok, you want me to look up Western polypody?”

It’s a fern.

 

He’s leaning hard into team Fern for the new baby!

 

Fry is super into drapey fabric; it’s one of his soothing sensory things. I’m wearing a maxi maternity dress today, and the skirt is stretchy enough to accommodate a small child if I’m wearing it.
“I’ve spent a significant part of the day walking around like one of those two person horse costumes.”