Ooops I married a douchebag

Discussion in 'Klassy Brides' started by Honey, Oct 21, 2012.

  1. kthom

    kthom Cute Food <3

    Dude sounds like a dick

    but maybe they also have communication issues.

    http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/husb ... -pregnancy

    hspw714 August 7, 2010
    We have been married for 3 years, together for 12 years total. We're both 32, and are financially stable. We have a great relationship. He's always talked about us having kids, and we had a talk last year that we would start trying (or pulling the goalie) this November. Well, surprise. I'm pregnant now.

    Husband is so unhappy with this he is suggesting I terminate the pregnancy. Here are his reasons.

    1) Not the right time (we both went to grad school so it's like we got a late start in life). He wants us to travel more, says there are so many things we haven't done yet

    2) We live away from family (we live a 20 hour drive away from basically all of our family and friends) and he is worried about how we will do this logistically without any support

    3)He is worried about possible medical complications from pregnancy on me (he is in the medical field so he sees a a lot more of those situations than normal people). He says he doesn't want anything to happen to me and that putting me at risk isn't worth it.

    4)He is worried I will love the baby more than him (I've tried to reassure him that I would still want us to have a strong relationship separate from the baby)

    5)Financially we would take a hit (we could afford for me to stay home and still be very comfortable financially, but we'd be saving a lot less than we do now)

    6) We won't be able to spend as much time together, go out whenever we want, travel as often (can't argue that)

    7) He is worried I won't get my pre-pregnancy figure back. So am I, but I am going to try my hardest.

    8) He thinks that lots of people romanticize parenthood and having a baby, and he really doesn't think having a baby will make us happier. He is worried that our child won't turn out like we hoped for, post partum depression and that this will put a strain on our relationship.

    9) He thinks our quality of life will go down and that we will become unhappy.

    10) He says it would be unfair to bring a baby into our situation because he's not mentally ready

    11) He says we can try again in a few years (we'll be 34, higher risk, and I feel like 2 years difference really isn't that much)

    12) He is scared because it's a big committment that we can't back out of, and we seem to have committment issues in other areas of our life (house, a pet, etc...)

    13) He is happy now and doesn't want to take this huge unknown risk

    Onto my side. Last conversation we had about this in late 2012 he said we were going to start trying a few months from now. Now he is back peddling saying that he meant we were just going to "talk" about the situation again, not actually "try". He says he wanted us to talk about pursuing surrogacy (so I wouldn't have to suffer through a pregnancy myself) or adoption if anything at all. He said he only told me that because I was pushing him about a timeline. Now he is saying he might not want a kid ever, which confuses me because in our talks in the past he would always say that we can't be alone forever. We'd watch tv shows about families and babies, and he'd always talk about how that would be us in the future. Now he's saying he is 95% sure he doesn't want kids ever and that he most likely will never change his mind.

    I don't know what to do. I always thought we'd have kids and now he's saying he's pretty much always going to be against it. I want our baby to have a happy family life, and it sounds like we won't if I decide to have it. I don't think I'll be 100% happy if i terminate because I kind of did want kids in the future and now know it will most likely never happen if we stay together. I admit that I was happy with our relationship, but never expected it to stay that way forever. He is looking at this like the demise of our marriage and happy life together. Now I am wondering if we should have gotten married in the first place since we don't seem to want the same thing.

    No matter what I decide, no one wins. The only reasonably "happy" ending would be if I miscarried because then I wouldn't have the guilt of terminating a pregnancy. That's such a terrible thing to think. I'm so upset and don't know what to do.

    1 hour ago
     
  2. android

    android Founding Messiah

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    WHY do people get married without making sure they are 1000% on the same page about having children??? He does sound like a complete asshole, though.
     
  3. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    Have any of you seem Waitress? Because lady is married to Earl.
     
  4. Vespidae

    Vespidae Antagonist Staff Member

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    I'm not sure that he's the asshole. She admits he says she pressured him to go ahead with this and even if he fell for the hype, reality just smacked him good and hard now that it's happened. It seems more like cold feet to me, because how long were they at it without protection before she got knocked up? He can't have thought this wouldn't happen. Maybe he's just panicking. Or maybe he's really just changed his mind and they're screwed.

    It must be hard when you aren't sure what you want. Especially about things you can never take back. But it's done now, and since he can't even claim it was an accident, he should probably just solider on.
     
  5. bluevalentine

    bluevalentine Statler or Waldorf

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    YES! That's exactly what I thought of when I read the part about him being scared she'll love the baby more than him.
     
  6. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    I really liked that movie. What happened to Adrienne Shelly was tragic.
     
  7. virgo

    virgo Chicken

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    i just found that thread! i can't tell if he's a dick or if he has cold feet. i'm also confused as to why he would suggest a surrogate. OP didn't say if she had medical problems but he seems to elude to pregnancy being dangerous for her. of course, she's a brand new bee and has only commented 3 times. i wonder if we'll ever find out what happens.
     
  8. bluevalentine

    bluevalentine Statler or Waldorf

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    I feel like he's being an asshole. The TTC timeline is a red herring. Even if they never talked about when to start trying, whether or not she pressured him into anything, accidents happen. If you have sex, you have to accept the possibility that a baby will result. And the parts about worrying that she'll love the baby more, and being afraid she won't get her body back... that's just gross.
     
  9. Apples&Oranges

    Apples&Oranges Chicken

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    I'm kind of with V on this one. Sounds like they have an otherwise good marriage so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and say he is having some major cold feet. Sounds like it was an accident. She thought they'd try in November, but it didn't work out that way. Just how "accidental" it was I don't know because she doesn't say. Could have been failed birth control or them not being careful. Who knows. But it does suck for them to be in this situation. She's right, nobody wins. I can only hope that he comes around since he did previously want kids. Maybe once the shock wears off, or he hears the first heartbeat, or something like that.

    I have to say though, it's really weird that he would want a surrogate even though there is no mention of health problems. I assume it's just the whole "pregnancy ruining her body" thing and potential medical problems. It's kind of crappy to have someone else go through all that though without any need other than the "what ifs." Pregnancy blows, even if it's easy. The only good thing about being a surrogate, imo (but I haven't been there), would be the reward of knowing you helped someone have a family who couldn't have otherwise. So their surrogate wouldn't even get that because she COULD carry a baby, they just don't want to. That does seem a little selfish. They should just go the adoption route.

    edit: and to be fair, it's common for guys to be worried that the wife will love the kid more, but maybe it's just not talked about or vocalized much. J made a little comment once how once the baby is here I won't spoil him anymore since my focus and attention will be on the baby. He has also said how we won't get to just cuddle on the couch anymore because now his cuddles will have to go to the baby. So clearly, this idea of the baby replacing the spouse has crossed his mind.
     
  10. kthom

    kthom Cute Food <3

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    That's what I was saying he's being a dick about. But if he didn't want to have a baby they shouldn't have had unprotected sex. I can see if he was nervous now that it was REAL. Obviously having some doubts about a huge decision like that is normal, but I think it sounds more like he's completely changed his mind and I think he should have communicated that long before now.
     
  11. ashless987

    ashless987 Chicken

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    I just read this. I got halfway through and had to close the tab.
     
  12. Vespidae

    Vespidae Antagonist Staff Member

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    I agree about the sex = baby thing, absolutely. Which is why I think he should just accept what's happened and make it work. But I can't say that all the things she posted as his fears don't sound perfectly legitimate to me. Maybe my perspective is just weird since I'm a CBC babyhater, but as I was reading them I don't remember a single one popping out that isn't on my own list of reasons not to go near kids with a hundred-foot pole. (Except baby vs husband, because I'd obviously be on the wrong side of that particular issue, nor would I care, but it still doesn't sound all that extreme a fear to me - TONS of women become all about their kids, just ask STFU, parents, or even your own Facebook news feed). I really want to cut the guy some slack here, I feel like he kind of stepped in it and now just has no idea what to do. Maybe he'll come around? If not... Well, ask my opinion again if that happens.
     
  13. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    Maybe she's a jholler and we just don't know it yet!
     
  14. kthom

    kthom Cute Food <3

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick


    Well, yeah. From a CBC/Babyhater point of view it makes perfect sense. It's just that he wasn't a CBC person before, and now they have a kid, so it's like maybe he should have communicated those fears before? Although I guess it's possible that he thought he was ready and now feels like he isn't.
     
  15. Apples&Oranges

    Apples&Oranges Chicken

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    Later down in the thread it says they were using the pull out method. So yeah, he kind of dug his own grave here. I'm not against the pull out method unless you're ready for an oops baby, and clearly he wasn't, so he really should have been more proactive about that. She said he thought she was on birth control even though she said she made it clear she stopped once they got married, and he didn't want to use condoms.
     
  16. kthom

    kthom Cute Food <3

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    Well that's kind of a he said she said match right there, so who knows? But if you are going off BC I feel like both parties need to be in agreement on what is going to be done instead - condoms, pull out and what happens if there's an oops. It does sound like there could have been a lack of communication on both sides.
     
  17. Apples&Oranges

    Apples&Oranges Chicken

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    Definitely could have been, but I'm inclined to think that maybe the husband is back peddling and feigning innocence. Seems unlikely that the condoms or pull out discussion would be brought up if she were on birth control, unless they were doubling up. Plus, they've been married for 3 years. 3 years is a long time for him to think she was on BC when she wasn't, though not impossible I guess.
     
  18. bluevalentine

    bluevalentine Statler or Waldorf

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    I agree that most of the things he's afraid of are definitely legitimate fears. But the time for him to reveal all these fears was ideally before marriage, and definitely during discussions about TTC timelines, and DEFINITELY before agreeing to use the pull out method. He had some slack, and he used it to hang himself.

    I guess I feel like he's a grown up. He should know how to use his words and have some foresight into what it means to marry a woman who wants children.
     
  19. Fitz

    Fitz Leslie Knope Monster

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    Yeah, to me it sounded like he agreed that at least they would have kids some day. We're all adults and know the consequences of our sexual actions. Even the pill can fail. You need to be prepared.
     
  20. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    We used a back up method when I was on the pill and the ring. We don't now that I've got the IUD, but it's not like I don't know where Planned Parenthood is if the 0.03% should happen.
     
  21. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    LOL at "pulling the goalie" in a few months. Some goalie! If they've been using the pull out method, their team has already been playing the whole game with an open net.
     
  22. HBC

    HBC Chicken

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    Right? I mean, I would use it as a second method (and have) if I knew the guy had a lot of control, but good Jeff Goldblum. I wonder if she went to abstinence-only education.
     
  23. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    I read an article this week that said 30% of women in their 20s admit to using the withdrawal method. I think it was called "A Third Of You Admit To Using Outdated Birth Control." :lol:
     
  24. Vespidae

    Vespidae Antagonist Staff Member

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    :lol:

    I find it weird that that many guys are cool with it. I asked my rooster to do that only once (I had taken a pill late that week and wanted to be careful) and he did it, but he was all crook-eye about it. Isn't it kind of... anticlimactic? I don't know. I don't have a penis.
     
  25. virgo

    virgo Chicken

    Re: Dude sounds like a dick

    i'm in full agreement there. it doesn't seem like it would be very enjoyable for the guy.