Discussion in 'The Hens' Nest' started by Rico Suave, Feb 24, 2017.
Have you talked with J about how you're feeling?
I've said this before, but I'm a firm believer that as soon as you recognize a problem, you've already highlighted it for deletion. You know what's up, you know you don't like it, and being aware of that will naturally cause you to strive to improve it. Be honest, be open, share what you're feeling, and you can work on it together.
We reached point of almost total indifference couple of years ago--life and my "illness" got in the way. We really didn't communicate. It wasn't hostile but it wasn't easy and fun as it used to be. Part of it was that I am NOT a sports fan and my guys are. I noticed they would spend a great deal of time either watching sports or going to various games my son was in. Plus they had season tickets to their favorite hockey team. So some resentment started percolating underneath the surface.
We talked thing out several times as I admit to getting nasty at one point, and I let him know I needed couple time that did not revolve around sports or the kid. I hate the term date night, but we started doing that and connecting with friends again.
I do very much enjoy my alone time, but I also like be married to my husband he really is the funniest person I know), that's why I married and procreated with him!
J and I are going through something similar. This year has been really hard on both of us and I'm recovering from depression. I'm pretty sure J is very depressed and kind of fighting through it. I've urged him to get help, but there's only so much I can do.
We had a similar moment where I voiced my concerns after a few weeks of putting on a brave face and now it's easier to tell him I want to have a conversation instead of defaulting to staring at our phones once the kid is asleep until it's time for bed. I don't remember the last time we had sex.
That is the key. W and I are still recently married enough not to have had major issues but when we are having an off time, once one of us says anything about feeling weird/disconnected, we pretty instantly both feel better.
Did you all live together before the wedding?
I get where you're coming from. My J and I are also experiencing something similar. We aren't unhappy, but we aren't clicking like we used to. We haven't had sex in a really long time (though that's not a new problem, and that problem is all me). We don't do as much together and don't spend as much time together.
Some of our issues come from me dealing with this deep depression again, J's current schedule change, the stress of living...
I do agree that acknowledging the problem means you're already on the road to fixing it. Talking to each other about it is key.
I'll offer that this might just the ebbs & flows of a long term relationship/marriage. And yes, be conscious of it, stay present. But marriage is boring sometimes and sometimes you retreat to a quieter, more inner focused place. And there are any number of outside factors that cause it. It's not inherently a bad thing. Don't overthink it. You know if things are truly bad or truly off. Just let the phases wash over naturally like waves. Address something if you need to. Otherwise don't worry too much.
Our slumps tend to work themselves out but one thing we do not often necessarily but regularly is open a bottle of wine or crack a 12 pack and chitty chat, goof off, argue, voice grievances and be present & open. Discuss the state of things. Focus on us.
I would add that when you feel like you need some alone time, sometimes taking some alone time is the best thing. My husband has always been a home body, and while I'm not miss nightlife, I do enjoy going out more often than he does, even if it's just to window shop and eat out. Most of our weird patches have stemmed from that dynamic, and so going out occasionally with friends or even by myself is nice and gives me time to miss him.
We lived together for 3-4 years before we were married.
I think a lot of it is adjusting to life after baby, but we also added a layer of stress with J going back to school and working 3 jobs at one point, then starting a new one. There was also a period in my job where I was doing the jobs of 4 people, one of which was managerial. It led to a lot of sadness and stress and negativity at home. It wasn't were we went to relax, it was where we went to take care of our infant and listen to the other one bitch about their day. There just wasn't time or energy left for romance or bonding.
I understand why we drifted apart, it's getting back to being best friends and lovers that's the hard part.
@Rico Suave I was hoping it might be just getting used to being in the same home. But I agree with others that there are ebbs and flows and acknowledging it is a great first step.
@NerdLady are you on hormonal birth control? It kills my libido.
All I can say is, hugs.
If I'm starting to feel a disconnect, I try to think of some good points about C - and I tell them to him. He appreciates the compliments and I appreciate reminding myself of his finer points or the things he's done lately that I admire.
We both go through ebbs and flows - of activity, introvertedness, whatever - and it always comes back through somehow, even if it takes awhile.
Right now with my mental health issues I'm being super dependent and clingy - I know it isn't the best for us and C knows it, but we've been talking about it and that does help to acknowledge it. The next step is to find something to do about it - we're being very aware of where the other is in the house but not in the same room right now. Later on we'll probably make a point to play a game or cuddle then do some chores or something.
@Zombie Llama, I am.
@NerdLady it took me at least a year of being off BC before it came back. I don't think it's talked about enough as a side effect. I wish someone had told me years ago.
@Zombie Llama, I was put on depo in 2010 (after being on the pill for 5 years) due to severe endometriosis and PCOS. I don't think there are many options out there for me that would help and control my symptoms. We do not want kids, so if they could just go ahead and take everything out, I'd be fine, but I'm 26 and live in the Deep South where my only joy will come from all the children I eventually give my husband.
I'm hoping that J and I can get away once our taxes come in. We went to a movie tonight, but we're still feeling disconnected. J mentioned wanting to shut off and take a short trip next month while I'm out of school, and I think we both desperately need the chance to disconnect from the world and reconnect with each other. We're actually getting enough back this time that it's a possibility that we can go somewhere, even if it's only a few days. Both of us are feeling worn down and I know it hasn't been healthy for either of us or our relationship.
I think that's a really good idea, @NerdLady . Sometimes a change of scenery for a couple days can really help. I feel like going somewhere that isn't associated with the day in day out drama of work/life can help leave that behind.
Update: just saw your post in Venting. I hope things look up for you and you're able to pull together a little something for the two of you.
@NerdLady sounds like a weekend away would do you both a world of good. Keeping my fingers crossed for you that it works out.
Thanks guys. Considering the fact that my car is really the only pressing issue that has to be taken care of right now,we are still trying to make something happen.
Sometimes all you need is a break from the world though.
J and I go through odd ebbs and flows. Married for 3.5 years, together for 10. We both deal with depression of varying scales, and can both get drawn into our own little solitary worlds.
We work through it, talk through it, and talk to each other. I find making an effort for a special date night or date weekend to be very helpful. A disconnect from the rest of the world for at least one or two days, and focusing on the spouse and each other, is helpful. We are planning one in the near future when he gets back from work.
I hope things get better for you I have no real advice, but just that some time together can be very helpful.
It just sounds like you two are having a bit of a disconnnect. It can happen, and does not spell doom. Sometimes things can just be off, and you just aren't in sync, or life is irritating you enough that it carries over into your relationship. The important thing is to just both keep talking, to acknowledge it, and to not let it take over or interpret it as meaning you are doomed to drift apart, that this disconnect means you are no longer "friends" and other catastrophic thinking. Make quality time for each other - TALK - and try and just have some silly fun, too. Ebbs and flows are normal, and instead of thinking the honeymoon is over, think more, well, none of us like this feeling, and it kinda sucks feeling so apart, so how do we get back into the flow?
I find I can feel a bit like this is we have not had the time to talk and connect much because, well, life, and of course that can start a cycle where I just WANT to come home and be disconnected as I tend to wallow in my own apathy at times...I need to commit myself to taking an hour or two to talk to Mr. Cat and I am appreciative he is the one that often takes the lead here and says "we need to go do something fun" or "let's go out for a coffee/tea" (which gets us away from our idevices, the television, and gets us talking etc). It is not like I forget he is my best friend, or I start doubting my love, or our relationship during this but it is more like I feel we are just a step or two off of each other and I am sensitive to fact we are more prone to miscommunication or something. I need a jolt back sometimes. I know I am making it sound simplistic but I think the point is even if you are feeling a bit disconnected and so on, it is clear you don't like that feeling (or would not be posting!) so maybe you just need to do it (i.e. spend time together) even if you dom't necessarily feel it and trust it will come.
Mr. Cat brought a Time magazine home from Costco the other day, one of those ad-free special ones, and it is all about "The Science of Marriage". Rather interesting read so far, and some of it is not new if you have read Gottman, etc, but anyway it talks quite a bit so far in beginning about how sometimes marriage is just slogging through boredom. It's not bad, it's not good, but it takes some work to get back "in touch". Spoiler cliche alert: it can most certainly be worth it. Anyway I just mention it as maybe you and J might want to pick it up and read it together, it might resonate especially right now and give you both some things to both talk and laugh over.
Or you know, 5 Love Languages (lol...which the Time magazine does mention, as a warning).
Last night, J offered to rub my back and I reflexively said something like "Nooooo, that's okay, I'm fine" and then I stopped and said okay. I realized I hadn't let him care for me in months. I got into a habit of not asking for anything but help with errands or household chores because I didn't want to burden him. I forgot that he likes taking care of me, that it makes him happy and that it makes me happy, too. I felt closer to him and more relaxed after that back rub than I had in a long time. Maybe even since pregnancy.
@Rico Suave, I hope you guys are able to get away and have a nice trip.
@SassyFowl, I am the same. I have a hard time letting people help me or take care of me too, and I know I tend to push J away when he tries. He's pointed out that I have been spending most of my time outside and reading when he gets home. My first reaction to him asking if I'd like to go to a movie was to tell him no, that we shouldn't because I didn't want to worry about money more than we already do and we didn't need to go out, even though we went to the second rate theater for a matinee that cost $14 for both of us. J said he felt like a lot of the financially motivated stress I've been feeling is his fault, because he's always talking about the money. Which is true (not that it's his fault, but because I've been worried about money). I haven't suggested going out to dinner or anything in a while because I know what our finances are like right now, and with everything that's been happening, we've been putting us on the back burner. Because of that disconnect, I've brushed off back rubs and isolated myself further. It's something I've always done, but I have to remember that we are a team and we have to work together.
The place we want to go for a weekend isn't fancy. It's a small cabin in the literal middle of nowhere, but it's quiet, cozy, cheap (because FIL knows the woman who owns it), there's no cable (you can watch movies if you want), and there's no cell service inside. It is on a lake and the close quarters and lack of cell service forces you to disconnect and be together, but in a good way. J's parents went every so often and J and I have been once, about 4 years ago. But just getting away and being alone and not having to deal with distractions is something we all need sometimes, so I hope that we are able to go.
Looks like we've all been thinking alike. Our anniversary is coming up and I suggested we spend some time at the family lake house, just the two of us and go see wineries or something.