Discussion in 'The Hens' Nest' started by Scout, Jul 11, 2014.
It is so hard. Sending you love.
I'm sorry A&O
That's awful A&O I'm sorry
I’m sorry A&O.
I’m so sorry. Or sucks how this pandemic is malt everything so much more stressful.
I give up on understanding my mother. All night were texts of woe and praying for a miracle etc. My brother and I hardly slept.
This morning, it's as if yesterday didn't happen. She gave us a usual type update, mentioned the priest had come for anointing of the sick but not last rites. My brother and SIL apparently spent much of their night making plans to go to Houston and stay for a while. When he shared it with my mom, she feigned surprise and told him it was unnecessary and to maybe wait a week so our dad could maybe be moved to the long-term acute hospital as planned. When we asked what the doctors had said today, she claimed nothing new.
My brother and I are just emotionally exhausted and confused. She either doesn't recognize or, worse, doesn't care that she's torturing us both. Yesterday was full of random, surprise video calls with my dad who seems super out of it. Today...nothing.
This is hard enough without dealing with the crappiness of family craziness. I’m sorry you’re being put through the emotional ringer on multiple levels. I know you know, but this is so not on you that your mom is doing this stuff.
Years ago (pre-Fry), my MIL bristled when I said childhood stories about my BIL sounded pretty ASD. She’d insist that no, those were typical gifted behaviors, and when Fry came along she said the same about Fry’s autism flags, too. To her credit, she wouldn’t say that today. Both my ILs though were initially pretty dismissive of Fry’s diagnosis. Anyways, I think their attitudes have improved, but I’m not sure they’d really internalized it. I’d had the feeling they were eye rolling his being in SPED and receiving additional services.
I made the mistake of mentioning “Love on the Spectrum” to my ILs; I’d only seen the first episode at that point, which was generally upbeat. Later episodes had some sadder moments, and had I known that, I don’t think I would have talked about it with them. Anyways, they watched it, and apparently the daily morning call with rooster was them freaking out asking him if Fry would be like the people on the show. There are some really awesome people on it, so I’m glad I was not present for this conversation.
Rooster told them that if Fry stays where he is developmentally, yes, he will be like some of them. He told them he shares traits with some of the people on the show, and probably always will. Their response was essentially OMJG OMJG GET HIM ALL THE SERVICES SEND HIM BACK TO SCHOOL PAY ALL THE MONIES FOR ALL OF IT.
So...yay for not thinking we’re full of shit anymore for getting him extra help, but ick on the ableism. They adore the kid and think he’s the most wonderful thing that’s ever existed, I have no doubt of that, but damn am I glad I slept in and missed today’s FaceTime.
Sorry about the words words SO MANY WORDS.
Damn I'm glad you got to miss that, too, @Afishwish . It's really sad for them that they're so limited and rigid with what's socially acceptable or whatever it is they fear. It's also really gross that they seem to believe that all the extra help will "fix" him.
Thanks. The irony is that considering how concerned they are about what’s “normal”, they are often rude af in a way that’s not socially acceptable. Loving, generous people, but damn can they be rude.
I guess it’s good that they are least recognizing Fry will do better with specific help. However, it also makes me a bit sad they seem to think it’s something to “fix” rather than that the help is working with him to give him the skills he needs to succeed in his own way in his own life. But they obviously care about him from what you’ve said, so that’s good.
My MIL sent me these salted caramels from an awesome local place. I can’t be mad at her.
I mean being generous and clueless are not mutually exclusive traits.
I can’t fault her attempt though. Caramels are my love language too.
The shortcut love language nobody talks about.
Although my sister told me that my love language is “isolation.” She’s a bitch but she’s not wrong.
I didn't think I was going to bring this up here, but surprise! I have a half sister nobody ever knew existed. Her mom was apparently not in a great place in her personal life at the time, so J never knew who her father was. We just learned of her existence a month ago when she matched with some family members after doing one of those Ancestry DNA kits. One paternity test later, and we're our very own Maury episode. She's the same age as me, so imagining my dad cheating on my mom while they were trying to start a family of their own is super fun. This really gives a lot of perspective on some things from my childhood and let's just say I'm really glad my mom isn't around for any of this. I doubt she'd be surprised at my dad's infidelity, but I think she'd still be a little hurt. I do like J, and her teenage daughter, B. They're both funny and sharp and they are a good complement to me and my other sister, E. I'm really glad I'm back in California now and can get to know them. The wildest coincidence of all is that she only lives about a mile from me.
Now for the really fun part. My dad is very sick and very, very much a lifelong addict. J, is a nurse and is like trying to make up for 35 years of lost time and get to know us all and also trying to save a ho because Dad is sick and it's literally her job, right? But she's coming in when I don't think he's got much time left. I'm struggling hard with trying to support her while she deals with this bittersweet situation. Her family just grew and she's got a dad and three new siblings, including two sisters she says she always wanted. She wants to get to know us and I want that too. But she's so desperately hopeful that Dad will change how he is and stick around for her and her daughter. I just find myself ... resenting that a little? We've all been through the rigamarole of inpatient rehab and AA meetings and broken promises and cycles of drinking/drugs/depression. I feel like such a bitch for not sharing in her optimism and worry and sadness. And what's worse, is that E, who is usually very realistic about our dad's challenges and shortcomings, is being just as optimistic that this time is going to be different. He has never changed for himself, so why would he change for anyone else?
That’s a lot, Honey. I’m glad you have a new sister and you’re getting a long well but can understand the mixed emotions as it relates to your dad. I don’t have any advice but your feelings are valid and make sure you process them and not try to hide them for someone else’s comfort.
That's a whole, whole lot @Honey . First and foremost - you are NOT a bitch at all, not even the littlest bit, for feeling how you do. Supporting her, being there for your dad, etc is all secondary to taking care of your own mental health. If that means being more realistic than J and E are right now, that's what you need to do, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just different hearts coping in different ways.
@Imabug1002 @Lh718 thank you both (and you co-signers @megatron and @CoolWife). All four of us went up to visit Dad last night and I think both J and E got some insight into how I’m feeling when they saw for themselves that he can’t be relied on to be honest about his health or desire to recover. He went back in to inpatient rehab this morning so I guess we can all worry less for at least the next 30 days. I’m not counting on him to keep any promises, though. And neither should they.
At least he’s in a good place (geographically). I hope the next month gives you guys a chance to get to know each other without the dad stress. It would be nice to have another person to lean on.
I think it’s just so much to process all at once, and especially for J, who now has hopes of knowing her father after so many years of nothingness. And no, she hasn’t lived through all the disappointments like you and E have, but I get where her hopefulness comes from. That doesn’t mean you have to share that sentiment though, and that’s ok too. I hope you three have some time now to build your own relationships without the strain of your dad’s health and decisions hovering directly over you all (as much as that can happen, given it was his choices that led you all to this point). You know I’m here for you