Family: The Gift You Can’t Return

Discussion in 'The Hens' Nest' started by Scout, Jul 11, 2014.

  1. Lh718

    Lh718 Chicken

    :drool: I mean being generous and clueless are not mutually exclusive traits.
     
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  2. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    I can’t fault her attempt though. Caramels are my love language too.
     
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  3. Afishwish

    Afishwish Bramblebutt

    The shortcut love language nobody talks about.
     
  4. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    Although my sister told me that my love language is “isolation.” She’s a bitch but she’s not wrong. :lol:
     
  5. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    I didn't think I was going to bring this up here, but surprise! I have a half sister nobody ever knew existed. Her mom was apparently not in a great place in her personal life at the time, so J never knew who her father was. We just learned of her existence a month ago when she matched with some family members after doing one of those Ancestry DNA kits. One paternity test later, and we're our very own Maury episode. She's the same age as me, so imagining my dad cheating on my mom while they were trying to start a family of their own is super fun. This really gives a lot of perspective on some things from my childhood and let's just say I'm really glad my mom isn't around for any of this. I doubt she'd be surprised at my dad's infidelity, but I think she'd still be a little hurt. I do like J, and her teenage daughter, B. They're both funny and sharp and they are a good complement to me and my other sister, E. I'm really glad I'm back in California now and can get to know them. The wildest coincidence of all is that she only lives about a mile from me.

    Now for the really fun part. My dad is very sick and very, very much a lifelong addict. J, is a nurse and is like trying to make up for 35 years of lost time and get to know us all and also trying to save a ho because Dad is sick and it's literally her job, right? But she's coming in when I don't think he's got much time left. I'm struggling hard with trying to support her while she deals with this bittersweet situation. Her family just grew and she's got a dad and three new siblings, including two sisters she says she always wanted. She wants to get to know us and I want that too. But she's so desperately hopeful that Dad will change how he is and stick around for her and her daughter. I just find myself ... resenting that a little? We've all been through the rigamarole of inpatient rehab and AA meetings and broken promises and cycles of drinking/drugs/depression. I feel like such a bitch for not sharing in her optimism and worry and sadness. And what's worse, is that E, who is usually very realistic about our dad's challenges and shortcomings, is being just as optimistic that this time is going to be different. He has never changed for himself, so why would he change for anyone else?
     
  6. Imabug1002

    Imabug1002 Chick pee

    That’s a lot, Honey. I’m glad you have a new sister and you’re getting a long well but can understand the mixed emotions as it relates to your dad. I don’t have any advice but your feelings are valid and make sure you process them and not try to hide them for someone else’s comfort. <3
     
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  7. Lh718

    Lh718 Chicken

    That's a whole, whole lot @Honey . First and foremost - you are NOT a bitch at all, not even the littlest bit, for feeling how you do. Supporting her, being there for your dad, etc is all secondary to taking care of your own mental health. If that means being more realistic than J and E are right now, that's what you need to do, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just different hearts coping in different ways.
     
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  8. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    @Imabug1002 @Lh718 thank you both (and you co-signers @megatron and @CoolWife). All four of us went up to visit Dad last night and I think both J and E got some insight into how I’m feeling when they saw for themselves that he can’t be relied on to be honest about his health or desire to recover. He went back in to inpatient rehab this morning so I guess we can all worry less for at least the next 30 days. I’m not counting on him to keep any promises, though. And neither should they.
     
  9. CoolWife

    CoolWife Chicken

    At least he’s in a good place (geographically). I hope the next month gives you guys a chance to get to know each other without the dad stress. It would be nice to have another person to lean on.
     
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  10. megatron

    megatron Wordsmith Staff Member

    I think it’s just so much to process all at once, and especially for J, who now has hopes of knowing her father after so many years of nothingness. And no, she hasn’t lived through all the disappointments like you and E have, but I get where her hopefulness comes from. That doesn’t mean you have to share that sentiment though, and that’s ok too. I hope you three have some time now to build your own relationships without the strain of your dad’s health and decisions hovering directly over you all (as much as that can happen, given it was his choices that led you all to this point). You know I’m here for you <3
     
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  11. virgo

    virgo Chicken

    @Honey, that’s a lot to deal with. I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said but we’re all here for you. If you ever need an escape from where you are in CA, you can pop over to my little island and hang out. <3
     
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  12. Lh718

    Lh718 Chicken

    My mom just told me that my cousin, who has 2 small daughters, is hosting a big family thanksgiving deal. His mom - who was pissed with me not attending my dad's funeral and basically said I could replace P but not my dad - is annoyed with my mom for considering not going.

    What else is there to say?
     
  13. Afishwish

    Afishwish Bramblebutt

    Well, I know where she can put her Thanksgiving.

    I’m very sorry her behavior’s made a hard time worse.
     
  14. Lh718

    Lh718 Chicken

    I appreciate that my family gives me so much material for this thread /s.

    Based on my mom's texts and calls to me, my brother is super pissy that I still haven't met my SIL or nephew.
    1) He has never ever made the effort to come visit me through the years. Like ever. In fact, the one time we were in the same state in the last 5 years, he "spontaneously" decided to go camping a 5hr drive in the opposite direction.
    2) I don't know how many more ways I can say, "PANDEMIC. Your wife and kid matter way less to me than my husband," without actually saying it.
     
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  15. Afishwish

    Afishwish Bramblebutt

    Your brother’s being a brat, end of story. Capitulating to that guilt isn’t going to do you much good if you or your husband catch covid.
     
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  16. Afishwish

    Afishwish Bramblebutt

    After mamafish was talking shit about how irresponsible her cousin and his family are for visiting LA from El Salvador, and bragging about how she’s the Carefulest Careful ever, guess what she’s doing today? She’s hanging out with them at another cousin’s house. No masks, happy huddled together group photos. I assume her aunt (who has not been social distancing) will join. Oh, and mamafish recently learned she has cardiac issues, so this is an extra bad idea.
     
  17. virgo

    virgo Chicken

    I’ve definitely noticed people let their guard down with family. They think because it’s family they’ll be fine, completely forgetting the fact that Covid is a virus and does not have human thoughts like “oh they’re related. I won’t infect them.”. I see it a lot on Facebook. I hope mamafish stays healthy!
     
  18. Afishwish

    Afishwish Bramblebutt

    Thanks, I hope so too.

    The thing is, she ranted to me a couple days ago about how non-careful these family members are, so it’s not even a blind spot because it’s family. We’ve had conversations that tell me she knows better, I think she just let wanting to be social get the better of her.
     
  19. CoolWife

    CoolWife Chicken

    This is how my 5 year old thinks. “I KNOW that A isn’t sick!! I know it. She isn’t sick!” We want to see the best in people we love so we can’t believe that they’d be careless (enough?).

    I know sweetie and you want to hug your best friend as bad as I do but we have no idea who has it and doesn’t and we can’t just go hug her right now. :sad:
     
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  20. nym711

    nym711 THIS IS MY LIFE NOW

    We're visiting my in laws for Christmas. Whyyyy? Because they're idiots who will otherwise go to Florida with family from all over, maskless. I'm also an idiot. I hate that we have to go because they are too stupid and selfish.
     
  21. CoolWife

    CoolWife Chicken

    Just me, but let them go.

    We are going to my IL’s also, but we all agreed to quarantine/isolate for 2 weeks beforehand. And I know they will because BIL is a PhD Virologist and would have a hard time explaining why he should keep his job where he makes protocols for an entire corporation if he gets it.
     
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  22. nym711

    nym711 THIS IS MY LIFE NOW

    They claim they have also been isolating. I don't think they know what that means though.
     
  23. Afishwish

    Afishwish Bramblebutt

    @nym711 I’d take that with a metric ton of salt - can you guys at least do masks and outdoors?

    The people who are indulging in unsafe holiday practices seem to fall into mostly two camps:
    1) They dgaf before and holidays are just consistent with their behavior.
    2) They’re treating their usually good behavior like covid credits they get to cash in for special occasions, as if this is something they’ve earned. I see this happening more so as isolation fatigue sets in.

    The other night rooster compared the people getting careless to soldiers who died drunk driving when celebrating the end of WWII (a surprisingly high number of guys died that way). It’s an extra foolish way to go when the end’s in sight.
     
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  24. CoolWife

    CoolWife Chicken

    My friends IL’s still haven’t held their granddaughter who was born in May because they refuse to quarantine for 2 weeks. They’ve only seen her briefly and outside. Apparently going shopping a million places and eating out with friends is more important. Their choice, but it super sucks esp for the older kid who misses them.
     
  25. Afishwish

    Afishwish Bramblebutt

    @CoolWife that sounds rough, but your friends are making the right call there. That blows though that going out takes higher priority than seeing their grandchildren.

    Ngl, I’ve been pretty down the last few weeks that no grandparents will be here for Minnow’s birth, and I know they’re sad about it as well. I don’t want anyone catching covid on our behalf, either, so don’t want them traveling. But seeing my parents traipsing around also pisses me off. Not only because of the risk to themselves, but just showing what they prioritize.
     
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