Things I never thought I'd say

"No I do not want a kiss right now, your nose was just in Penny's butt!"

This was said to Vixen and not J, in case that wasn't obvious

 

Seriously hoping this isn't I have to say to my children in the future...

 

LOL. Or as my sister says, “This is how I get pink eye.”

 

"Here. Play with your pants."

(To C, trying to distract him on the changing table).

 

I used to say variations of that all the time at my last job, for the same reason.

 

“Yes, mama’s pooping, now mama wipes her bottom, now we flush, now mama washes her hands!”

I never thought I’d narrate my pooping process with such an eager audience.

 

I’ve done this enough that I made up a “dancing pants” song.

 

"No...'titular' is not a dirty word."

 

"Sorry sweetie, you cannot nurse and suck your thumb at the same time. That's what we call an opportunity cost."

 

"No, no, no, we don't run trains on Rosie"

 

C does this too! He veryyyy slowly tries to slide his finger (or sometimes mine if hes holding mine) toward his mouth and sneak it in like I won’t notice

 

“You totally have a bug up your butt about this.”
Something I’ve said before to him, but never in the context of him deciding we need a Japanese maple NOW.

Also, impulse buys I never expected: a tree

 

Rooster. Fry is maple neutral.

 

Bacon, stop licking up my breast milk!

I spilled 2 ounces too

 

Oh man

 

UGH that is so sad.

 

I feel like more context is needed for that @nym711 my initial visual was not pleasant.

 

Sorry Nym .

 

At a ballet performance:
“She was impressively insectlike.”
It was ant-themed choreography, and I said this as a genuine compliment.

 

Who the hell did that to you (after my kid shaved his head). He was wearing a black and white shirt and I asked him if he was joining the Aryan Brotherhood I'm happy t say the hair grew back. Not as quickly as I hoped, bu-tit's back.

I told myself early on hair and clothes were hills not worth dying on, but that tested my patience.

 

“We don’t throw yogurt at the dog.”

 

Meanwhile the dog is like "um, maybe we do mom? Yogurt is tasty!"