Discussion in 'The Hens' Nest' started by Kimmers, Jun 20, 2018.
That's so sad, I'm sorry kimmers.
Oh Kimmers my heart breaks for you and your family. I am so very sorry.
I’m so sorry. That’s heartbreaking.
Kimmers, I'm so sorry. I'll be keeping you and N in my thoughts.
I'm so, so sorry.
Oh my gosh Kimmers that is so sad. I'm so sorry for you all, I can't imagine what you must be going thru.
Oh my God, so sorry @Kimmers (& N). That's so horrible.
I am so sorry for your loss. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts
Kimmers, I am so, so sorry. Holding you and your family in my heart.
So sorry @Kimmers!! My thoughts are with you, N, and the rest of your family.
That’s so terrible. I’m so sorry for your loss.
@Kimmers that is so earth shatteringly awful. I am so sorry. Hugs to you and your whole family.
@Kimmers, I am so sorry.
I am so sorry Kimmers
I'm so sorry for your loss.
@Kimmers, I am so very sorry for your loss.
I'm just catching up. I'm so sorry @Kimmers. I can't imagine the shock.
Just seeing this now. @Kimmers I am so, so sorry. This is devastating news. Much love to you and your family.
So very sorry for your loss.
Is this a pregnancy specific loss thread or can we post about any loss? I don’t want to clog up other threads with things about my grandfather, but I need to get things off my chest.
This seems like the place for it to me.
I can’t get the sound or the image of my grandfather’s last moments out of my head, and yet, his death still doesn’t feel like it’s real. I haven’t really been able to confront all the things I’ve been feeling; the complexity and difficulty of our relationship being the main thing.
Despite everything, I had always had the small hope that maybe one day, we would have a talk about our past. I know I’ve bitched a lot about things that have been said and done, and nothing absolves him of those things, but there’s a lot more guilt there than I expected. I know that when people die, and especially problematic people, it’s easy to try to overlook the bad things. I know that’s something that I’m dealing with as well. My grandmother has, as far as anyone has told me, always been the way she is. My grandfather on the other hand, wasn’t. My stepdad used to joke about my grandmother being a horcrux, because the people he’d talked to all told him that my grandfather used to be a totally different person. My mom has told me the same thing, I remember some of that from my childhood too. It’s hard to get out of the mindset of wishing our relationship was something different now that it’s too late.
I was asked to speak at the funeral tomorrow, but had to decline. I am still not able to keep my emotions in check. I will be ok one minute and then crying the next. I did try to write something, but couldn’t get through more than a few sentences without crying. My brother is going to speak instead. My stepdad told me not to feel bad if I could t speak tomorrow, that my brother is better at that sort of thing, and my brother also wasn’t able to stay until the end, so he doesn’t have the image or the sound of his death in his head.
It’s mostly guilt. I told J not to let guilt eat him up, because it would if he let it, after his mom died. The day before, she’d asked him to come by for a visit, he declined, and her last words to him were “you’ll be sorry”, because she was going to cook dinner for him. I thought keeping busy at work would help, but it doesn’t. Sometimes I feel guilty for talking about it because I know we didn’t have the best relationship, and it feels like I shouldn’t be feeling as bad as I do, but at times I also don’t feel like I feel bad enough.
It’s harder and more difficult than I guess I expected it to be, even though you can’t really prepare for death. I mean, I knew he was in the hospital, I knew that the prognosis wasn’t great, but everyone had been optimistic. I did talk to him on the phone Thursday, August 16, before things went bad and he had to be sedated and intubated, so I do have that at least. With my dad, I hadn’t talked to him much in the days before he died, and that always got to me.
I'm sorry that your grandmother hardened your grandfather rather than him softening her, but that was his choosing and not something you ever could have hoped to control. A relationship can change us; we grow to fit our partners. But we choose the ways that happens, and I'm sorry that he didn't choose kindness. But he didn't. And that's your fault.
That's totally ok. Your stepdad is right; you needn't feel guilty because you wouldn't be speaking to/for your grandfather. You'd be doing it for you, but also for the rest of the room. Your relationship with him was complex and you don't have to be ready to share that with the rest of his mourners right now.
@NerdLady actually watching a loved one pass can be very challenging, and bring up a lot of emotions. I would encourage you to write something down, not to say at the funeral, but just so you can work out your thoughts, even through your tears.
I slept like shit Tuesday night. It was after 3 am the last time I looked at the clock, and I had to get up by 6:30 in order to get to the church on time since it was a 3 hour drive.
We managed to get through it. It was a lot harder than I expected it to be. I had been thinking that the funeral would have given more closure, but it didn’t. My grandfather looked nothing like himself, and seeing him that way finally pushed me over the edge and into uncontrollable sobbing. If I hadn’t known whose funeral I was at, I would not have recognized the body. I know there’s only so much a mortician can do, but that was the second hardest part of this whole situation.
After the funeral, my stepdad also told me how chaotic everything was leading up to the funeral and how big of a mess it’s still going to be. They had to purchase a plot in a different cemetery 3 days before the funeral because their plots had originally been purchased for a cemetery in another town, but is too far of a drive for my grandmother to make. Apparently my grandfather did not have a will. He also didn’t have a good life insurance policy either. When he retired, he took a lump sum and then invested all of it, and everything, the investments and beneficiaries, are all just written down in a notebook somewhere. My grandparents are hoarders, so it’s been a massive undertaking trying to find things. My stepdad was only able to find information for his one meager life insurance policy, which was basically enough to cover funeral costs, the day before the funeral. My grandmother still doesn’t know how she’s going to pay for his burial plot. Of course, my grandmother is pretty much in the dark about all of it. My grandfather took care of absolutely everything. She hasn’t pumped her own gas for 59 years... she knows about his investments and pensions, but doesn’t know where he wrote everything down, how much, or any of that. His computer should have information on it, but it’s password protected, and no one knows where the password is. The main concern right now is making sure the funeral gets paid for and that my grandmother is taken care of and not taken advantage of. But, as always, the vultures started appearing before they’d gotten the dirt over him. My grandmother’s sister, who hasn’t spoken to my grandmother in years, couldn’t wait to start talking to me about how she knew my Grandaddy had always been smart with his money and that she knew he’d left more than enough for everyone, how she had been struggling financially for years, that my grandfather had always helped her out in the past and how she hoped “nobody would forget her” now. She asked me if I knew how much I’d been left and if I thought I could get into Grandaddy’s computer, and told me to call her if I got any items that I didn’t want.
My grandmother has been leaning on me more than my mom, which has also led to some uncomfortable moments. She’s asked me, rather than my mom, to come and help her go through things, and she’s declined my mom’s offers of coming to stay with her, but she’s asked me to come and stay with her some. She’s angry with my mom because the day they took my grandfather off life support, after the tubes were out and he was actively dying, she kept asking me about her Facebook app.