Marital Woes

Discussion in 'The Hens' Nest' started by Rico Suave, Feb 24, 2017.

  1. Rico Suave

    Rico Suave Chicken

    J and I are in a weird place right now. It's hard to say there's something "wrong" but something is definitely off the past couple of weeks. We've been bickering here and there. Sex has been... fine. Not bad, but not exactly enjoyable. (This woe could have something to do with TTC though, so take it with a grain of salt) Usually I always want to be around him, but lately I've found myself wanting alone time, and him the same. We barely spend time together after work and if we do it's to watch TV for an episode of something before one of us gets bored and wanders off to do something else.

    I guess the honeymoon phase is wearing off? I can't put my finger on what's wrong, but I don't like it. I don't feel like J is my best friend right now. I'm sure this is just a phase and I'm more than sure this isn't the only time we'll go through this. I know this is a really open-ended question because each marriage is specific to the couple, but how do you guys pull yourselves out of a slump? Do you think there is something I can do to fix it, or do I just need to ride it out?
  2. Have you talked with J about how you're feeling?
  3. Rico Suave

    Rico Suave Chicken

    Yeah, he agrees something is off. He blames himself. I told him that I don't think it's either of our faults. We're both just kind of standing there looking like :oops: :?:
  4. Honey

    Honey Historian Staff Member

    I've said this before, but I'm a firm believer that as soon as you recognize a problem, you've already highlighted it for deletion. You know what's up, you know you don't like it, and being aware of that will naturally cause you to strive to improve it. Be honest, be open, share what you're feeling, and you can work on it together.
  5. Social Piranha

    Social Piranha Potatoes

    We reached point of almost total indifference couple of years ago--life and my "illness" got in the way. We really didn't communicate. It wasn't hostile but it wasn't easy and fun as it used to be. Part of it was that I am NOT a sports fan and my guys are. I noticed they would spend a great deal of time either watching sports or going to various games my son was in. Plus they had season tickets to their favorite hockey team. So some resentment started percolating underneath the surface.

    We talked thing out several times as I admit to getting nasty at one point, and I let him know I needed couple time that did not revolve around sports or the kid. I hate the term date night, but we started doing that and connecting with friends again.

    I do very much enjoy my alone time, but I also like be married to my husband he really is the funniest person I know), that's why I married and procreated with him!
  6. Rico Suave

    Rico Suave Chicken

    True that. I'm glad I said something about it to him. He almost looked relieved when I did, like "Oh thank Jeff Goldblum it's not just me feeling this way".
    Erie and SassyFowl like this.
  7. SassyFowl

    SassyFowl Chicken

    J and I are going through something similar. This year has been really hard on both of us and I'm recovering from depression. I'm pretty sure J is very depressed and kind of fighting through it. I've urged him to get help, but there's only so much I can do.

    We had a similar moment where I voiced my concerns after a few weeks of putting on a brave face and now it's easier to tell him I want to have a conversation instead of defaulting to staring at our phones once the kid is asleep until it's time for bed. I don't remember the last time we had sex.
  8. Canaligator

    Canaligator Barbie Police

    That is the key. W and I are still recently married enough not to have had major issues but when we are having an off time, once one of us says anything about feeling weird/disconnected, we pretty instantly both feel better.
    SassyFowl likes this.
  9. Rico Suave

    Rico Suave Chicken

    @SassyFowl I'm sorry. Depression is such a bitch. It turns people into shells of their former selves sometimes. It's heartbreaking to be involved in.

    I know I want to talk to J and have conversations, but lately I feel like I don't even know what to talk about. It feels awkward.

    @Canaligator I'd say we both feel relieved, but not necessarily better. We're not used to this disconnect. It feels so wrong. :sad:
  10. Zombie Llama

    Zombie Llama Ain't no corn bitch

    Did you all live together before the wedding?
  11. Rico Suave

    Rico Suave Chicken

    Yes. We've lived together for two years. Together for four. Married for 10 months.
  12. NerdLady

    NerdLady Chicken

    I get where you're coming from. My J and I are also experiencing something similar. We aren't unhappy, but we aren't clicking like we used to. We haven't had sex in a really long time (though that's not a new problem, and that problem is all me). We don't do as much together and don't spend as much time together.

    Some of our issues come from me dealing with this deep depression again, J's current schedule change, the stress of living...

    I do agree that acknowledging the problem means you're already on the road to fixing it. Talking to each other about it is key.
    Old Waxy likes this.
  13. Old Waxy

    Old Waxy Chicken

    I'll offer that this might just the ebbs & flows of a long term relationship/marriage. And yes, be conscious of it, stay present. But marriage is boring sometimes and sometimes you retreat to a quieter, more inner focused place. And there are any number of outside factors that cause it. It's not inherently a bad thing. Don't overthink it. You know if things are truly bad or truly off. Just let the phases wash over naturally like waves. Address something if you need to. Otherwise don't worry too much.

    Our slumps tend to work themselves out but one thing we do not often necessarily but regularly is open a bottle of wine or crack a 12 pack and chitty chat, goof off, argue, voice grievances and be present & open. Discuss the state of things. Focus on us.
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2017
  14. hellohelloagain

    hellohelloagain Chicken

    I would add that when you feel like you need some alone time, sometimes taking some alone time is the best thing. My husband has always been a home body, and while I'm not miss nightlife, I do enjoy going out more often than he does, even if it's just to window shop and eat out. Most of our weird patches have stemmed from that dynamic, and so going out occasionally with friends or even by myself is nice and gives me time to miss him.
    Rico Suave and Doom&Sparkles like this.
  15. SassyFowl

    SassyFowl Chicken

    We lived together for 3-4 years before we were married.

    I think a lot of it is adjusting to life after baby, but we also added a layer of stress with J going back to school and working 3 jobs at one point, then starting a new one. There was also a period in my job where I was doing the jobs of 4 people, one of which was managerial. It led to a lot of sadness and stress and negativity at home. It wasn't were we went to relax, it was where we went to take care of our infant and listen to the other one bitch about their day. There just wasn't time or energy left for romance or bonding.

    I understand why we drifted apart, it's getting back to being best friends and lovers that's the hard part.
  16. Zombie Llama

    Zombie Llama Ain't no corn bitch

    @Rico Suave I was hoping it might be just getting used to being in the same home. But I agree with others that there are ebbs and flows and acknowledging it is a great first step.

    @NerdLady are you on hormonal birth control? It kills my libido.
  17. Miss Skunk

    Miss Skunk Bullshit Scientist

    All I can say is, hugs.

    If I'm starting to feel a disconnect, I try to think of some good points about C - and I tell them to him. He appreciates the compliments and I appreciate reminding myself of his finer points or the things he's done lately that I admire.

    We both go through ebbs and flows - of activity, introvertedness, whatever - and it always comes back through somehow, even if it takes awhile.

    Right now with my mental health issues I'm being super dependent and clingy - I know it isn't the best for us and C knows it, but we've been talking about it and that does help to acknowledge it. The next step is to find something to do about it - we're being very aware of where the other is in the house but not in the same room right now. Later on we'll probably make a point to play a game or cuddle then do some chores or something.
    Old Waxy likes this.
  18. NerdLady

    NerdLady Chicken

  19. Zombie Llama

    Zombie Llama Ain't no corn bitch

    @NerdLady it took me at least a year of being off BC before it came back. I don't think it's talked about enough as a side effect. I wish someone had told me years ago.
  20. NerdLady

    NerdLady Chicken

    @Zombie Llama, I was put on depo in 2010 (after being on the pill for 5 years) due to severe endometriosis and PCOS. I don't think there are many options out there for me that would help and control my symptoms. We do not want kids, so if they could just go ahead and take everything out, I'd be fine, but I'm 26 and live in the Deep South where my only joy will come from all the children I eventually give my husband.

    I'm hoping that J and I can get away once our taxes come in. We went to a movie tonight, but we're still feeling disconnected. J mentioned wanting to shut off and take a short trip next month while I'm out of school, and I think we both desperately need the chance to disconnect from the world and reconnect with each other. We're actually getting enough back this time that it's a possibility that we can go somewhere, even if it's only a few days. Both of us are feeling worn down and I know it hasn't been healthy for either of us or our relationship.
  21. scotchbutter

    scotchbutter Chicken

    I think that's a really good idea, @NerdLady . Sometimes a change of scenery for a couple days can really help. I feel like going somewhere that isn't associated with the day in day out drama of work/life can help leave that behind.

    Update: just saw your post in Venting. I hope things look up for you and you're able to pull together a little something for the two of you.
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2017
    NerdLady likes this.
  22. Zombie Llama

    Zombie Llama Ain't no corn bitch

    @NerdLady sounds like a weekend away would do you both a world of good. Keeping my fingers crossed for you that it works out.
  23. NerdLady

    NerdLady Chicken

    Thanks guys. Considering the fact that my car is really the only pressing issue that has to be taken care of right now,we are still trying to make something happen.

    Sometimes all you need is a break from the world though.
    Doom&Sparkles likes this.
  24. Doom&Sparkles

    Doom&Sparkles Chicken

    J and I go through odd ebbs and flows. Married for 3.5 years, together for 10. We both deal with depression of varying scales, and can both get drawn into our own little solitary worlds.

    We work through it, talk through it, and talk to each other. I find making an effort for a special date night or date weekend to be very helpful. A disconnect from the rest of the world for at least one or two days, and focusing on the spouse and each other, is helpful. We are planning one in the near future when he gets back from work.

    I hope things get better for you I have no real advice, but just that some time together can be very helpful.
  25. NerdLady

    NerdLady Chicken

    Thanks Doom <3