How the Hell Did I Get Here: A NerdLady Update

Discussion in 'The Hens' Nest' started by NerdLady, Oct 12, 2019.

  1. NerdLady

    NerdLady Chicken

    Hello, strangers. I thought it was time to come back and let you all in on what's been going on and where I've been.

    I went over the river, though the woods, into the pit, and off the deep end and stayed there for about a month and a half.

    I have an addictive personality, which means I'm an addict, will always be an addict, and will always struggle to not be an addict. Spoilers; I really screwed the pooch on that.

    See, since 2014, I'd been addicted to pain pills. Oxycodone and hydrocodone were my favorites, but I'd take whatever. Things got bad, but not so bad that it didn't take almost 5 years for anyone to notice. Went to an out patient clinic for 4 months and couldn't pass drug tests so I got kicked out. Went along lying to everyone for another year that I was totally fine (things were not fine) until I finally admitted to me that I had a problem. I was miserable. Nothing brought me joy anymore. So, back to the program, finally feel like there might be some hope after all, get booted out again due to a clerical mix up where I wasn't billed enough and now owe $600, which I don't have, so rapid taper it is. More misery, more pain, continue on for a few more months... enter meth. Yes, this is going that direction... I'd done it before when I was younger, but doing it so deep in my other mental health stuff meant that it didn't take long for psychosis to hit. Within 3 months, I was shooting up. I ended up in the hospital after almost dying thanks to poor life choices (urine was brown, and I mean dark brown) and because I stopped giving a shit and almost ended up in the behavioral unit... The irony was not lost on me that the time I wanted to get in, they wouldn't let me, but the tine I dont want in, is the they want me to go.... J didnt want me at home, who could blame him, and the rift that had already been growing cracked open and he filed for divorce.

    So now, I'm a recovering, soon to be divorced, addict.

    I don't blame anyone but myself for what happened. Yes, people did take advantage of me in ways they shouldn't have, and in more than one way, but I'm not ready for the conversation yet. Things got really bad and really dark really fast.

    I have been raped.
    Some of my nerves and muscles will never be the same again because they've been damaged beyond repair.
    I'm still waiting to make sure I don't have hep C or some other disease.
    I'm alone for the first time in a decade and I wonder why I did the things I did.

    I still still cant wrap my head around the fact that I went in the hospital on August 13 and now its October 12. A lifetime has passed in 2 months... I am still paranoid. My legs and arms are swollen, sore, scarred..from now on, other people are going to know I was an IV drug user. I did all this damage in a month. Most people think I've been shooting for years...

    I'm adjusting to my new life, whatever that means for me now. J and I try to be civil, but there's part of him that hates part of me and we can barely speak. I don't think we ever will again.

    I fucked up guys, big time, but I cant undo it. My feelings aren't where they should be so I dont feel like I've mourned the death of my marriage and what could have been. We were just planning a trip.. Part of me doesn't want to face it because I dont want to face myself. I also dont want to have to face yet another stressful situation while sober. It's too easy for me to relapse and I dont have the support I need yet to get through it.

    That was a long way of saying that I want to come back to the boards so I'll have something to do, but be patient with me... sometimes I'm still a little delusional and dont make sense, but I'm getting there.
  2. T-Rex

    T-Rex Chicken

    @NerdLady - thank you for sharing with us. That is really brave. It breaks my heart to think of you actively seeking help and getting booted over $600. I am so sorry the system failed you in that way. And I am so, so, so sorry to hear that you were raped. I wish you all the healing and hope you need and want ❤
  3. moose

    moose RINGWORM GIRL :(

    @NerdLady you are so strong for sharing your story. I really hope that you’re able to fully get the help, love, and support you need to get you through this.
  4. RoryGilmore

    RoryGilmore Chicken

    @NerdLady Based on some of your FB posts, I knew things weren’t going so well. I was so worried about you. Your story is absolutely heartbreaking. But I’m so glad you’re checking in, and wish you nothing but the best moving forward. <3
  5. A. Ham

    A. Ham Chicken

    Wishing you all the best, NL xx
  6. ClamJam

    ClamJam Chicken

    Wishing you all the best on your road to healing and recovery, NL.
  7. allmaple

    allmaple Chicken

    I am so sorry for what you have been through. I'm glad you came to share your story. Please know that we are here for you and wishing you the best while you heal.
  8. CoolWife

    CoolWife Chicken

    Addiction is a real bitch. I’m sorry you’ve been through hell but I believe you can come out the other side. <3
  9. nym711

    nym711 THIS IS MY LIFE NOW

    Wishing you all the best <3
  10. Kimmers

    Kimmers Chicken

    I’m sorry to read this. Wishing all the best for you.
  11. Lh718

    Lh718 Chicken

    I am so very sorry you're going through such hell @NerdLady . I hope you find the support you need here and home.
  12. deet

    deet Chicken

    You are a person outside of your addiction. It’s not everything about you, I hope you know that.

    I’m sorry to hear what’s happened. Hopefully this will be a time in your life you can look back on and it ends up being one of the best things to happen to you.
    NerdLady and Afishwish like this.
  13. Erie

    Erie Florida AF

    Same, @RoryGilmore - I’m so sorry you’ve had all of this in such a short period of time @NerdLady. We’re all here for you, please don’t be a stranger on these boards!
  14. fantasynerd

    fantasynerd Extra Extra

    I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this NL. Sending lots of love and hope for your road to/of recovery <3
  15. scotchbutter

    scotchbutter Chicken

    I’m sorry things have been so difficult. It is good to hear from you and we’re always here to listen.
  16. hallokween

    hallokween Chicken

    I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this. Sending you good thoughts for recovery.
  17. virgo

    virgo Chicken

    @NerdLady I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough with us to share this. I know it’s not an easy thing to share. We’re all here for you so please don’t be a stranger! You will make it through this and come out on the other side stronger. <3<3
  18. Apples&Oranges

    Apples&Oranges Chicken

    Hi NL. Sorry you hit such a low and werent able to get the help you needed sooner. I'm sorry about your divorce as well. I hope things continue to improve and that each day gets a little better from here on out <3
  19. LouiseBelcher

    LouiseBelcher spampants

    I was wondering how things were going for you because of your FB posts. I'm glad you came back and I'm sorry for all that you've been through. You can make it through this, you're a strong person.
  20. Tumnus

    Tumnus Chicken

    I'm sorry you are going through so much. I am glad you checked in, I had been wondering how you were doing but didn't want to intrude. I hope things start looking up soon, you're strong and you'll get through this.
  21. calicat

    calicat Queen of the Eggs

    I am so sorry @NerdLady - I hope that you come out the other side soon. You're in my thoughts
  22. yesmaster

    yesmaster North of the Boarder

    Don't hesitate to reach out for a chat if you need it. I hope you are having a good day today.
  23. Fitz

    Fitz Leslie Knope Monster

    @NerdLady I've been thinking about you and hoping for the best. I'm sorry you had to hit such a low place but am hopeful that you can work yourself through your recovery.
    This. Beautifully put, Deet.
  24. Afishwish

    Afishwish Bramblebutt

    I wish I could give you a hug, @NerdLady . FWIW, I always enjoyed your posts on here and am glad to see you back, though I’m sorry to hear that it’s been hell.

    Addiction is a rough road. My brother struggled with it; it’s pretty common for addicts to have other mental health issues (and usually a significant factor in why people start using in the first place). The person he was when using was not representative of who he truly was. It was a part of him, but it smothered all the things about him that made him awesome. A lot of the things you’re feeling (shame, pain, regret, etc.) are common; this isn’t to diminish what you’re feeling or to say it’s easy, I can’t imagine how hard it is, but there are many people out there in your boat. You’ve been through stuff many can’t handle, which is commendable and really, really damned hard.

    Wishing you love and healing. I know this will be a daily struggle for the rest of your life, but we’re rooting for you.
    Fitz and hampsterdance666 like this.