Discussion in 'The Hens' Nest' started by Scout, Jul 11, 2014.
Why would you WANT to change a baby’s diaper that isn’t yours?!
My MIL and my dad are always wanting to change diapers. It’s a fun bonding thing for them I guess? Whatever, it’s one less diaper for me to change, so that’s not the hill I’m going to die on when it comes to grandparent boundaries.
I would offer if it was someone I liked and wanted to help them but ew, I’m not fighting to do it.
Who calls dibs on disposing of someone else’s shit?
I'd only offer to do it if I was actively holding the baby and it needed changing. Any other time seems super weird
I wouldn’t mind if it was an offer but the fact that she seems fixated on it just creeps me out
I remember C was around 8 months old at a family event, and G’s mom-of-three-kids-already cousin offered to change her diaper. And I was like, “Uh.. seriously? You have three kids. Aren’t you over this?” But whatever. The action was weird to me, but she wasn’t.
And then nine months later she had her fourth, so it was 100% baby fever. People act weird with babies.
Yeah especially in the context of her trying to push in with the baby the day before. She needs to learn some boundaries.
I don't mind nappies at all. If I'm with family or friends and I notice that their baby needs changed whilst they are busy doing something else I'll just kind of say oh, someone needs changed don't worry I'll do it. But if the parents are sitting right there, or say no I'm not offering twice. Its weird to insist! I don't ever offer unless I know the parents and baby really well.
My sister will change one of my kids if I'm busy with the other and it's much appreciated. But, she's also my sister so YMMV.
My mom will ask if I want her to change it. Like “oh her diaper feels very wet, do you want me to change it?”
Not “why can’t I change it??? I want to change her diaper!!! I’ll change the diaper!!!”
Honestly it sounds like you guys just aren't very comfortable around each other and everything is awkward. I'm sure she just wants to help out.
I think she sounds deranged.
But she’ll still be part of your life for a good long time, so why not give her the benefit of the doubt a couple times and see if tensions ease?
I'm sure she just wants to help out as well, but the problem is not taking no for an answer. You shouldnt have to leave the situation to get grandma to leave you alone long enough to feed the baby.
I just think MIL is trying to help and be involved, but obviously there’s a breakdown in expectations between you guys. She’s more overbearing than you perhaps want and need, but she’s not getting the hint either. You are definitely at BEC with her, and have valid reasons for that. And you have had a very difficult start as a new mom between the hospital visits and feeding issues, plus lack of sleep and healing and possible PPA/PPD. It’s hard!
I just think that it may help all of you to “relax” on a few things, and understand she’s just trying to help (even if it’s not in the way you want). You’ve had a challenging month (even longer, with late pregnancy struggles too). Accept a diaper change or two. Let her get some snuggles with her grandchild. You can still stand firm on issues like feeding because obviously that is critical to baby girl’s development. Maybe those minor allowances will give her enough to feel involved, and you won’t have to fight her to give baby back for things like feeding.
Just a thought, based on my own experiences.
I mean based on all of the wedding stuff (cream colored dress, manipulating the mother/son dance song) and everything else, I for one am not super optimistic that MIL is going to suddenly become a reasonable person if allowed to change a diaper when she wants to, but I do agree that you need to think about the long term relationship and what you can do (that is within reason and your comfort zone) to try to have the relationship you want to have, or at least to feel like you tried your best.
Well yeah. Things just get more complicated when kids are involved vs. an adult couple. Unless you don’t want the kids to know their grandparents (also valid, if that’s what you want for whatever reason). It’s just finding that balance because most people do want their parents and kids to know each other and interact at least semi-regularly.
These early days are hard enough as a new parent. You have to do what you feel comfortable with, but I’m just saying a little help (even if overzealous/overbearing) isn’t the worst thing for a grandparent to offer right now. And I say this as an overprotective mama bear. Everything got easier for me/us when I let those people help out with baby a bit.
I mean, I don’t know that the kids add any additional complexity to “know” their grandparents. There’s a lot of levels interaction between tolerating her shenanigans and creating an account on rejected parents dot com. You can just be short holiday visits and occasional “just because” lunches kind of extended family if that’s what keeps you sane, @moose. Families who aren’t up each other’s asses (or diapers?) every Sunday afternoon can still love each other and make quality family memories without sacrificing mental health.
Oh I can 1000% appreciate and acknowledge that I’m At BEC status with her. At this point, she’d have to be the most amazing family member on the planet to repair the things she’s done and the rift she’s created.
it’s just really a struggle to encourage a close relationship between my daughter and this woman because she is really unhinged and her toxic behavior isn’t something I want around this baby. Even her attempts at “helping” feel more like demands so she can feel good about ~*her grandchild*~.
@moose just my guess based on my own experiences- everything MIL does cuts deeper because you know the intention behind it. Shes not just offering to help change a diaper, shes trying to ignore your nos to prove shes the alpha female. Shes not just getting in E’s face to love on her grandkid, shes trying to show she knows better than you and its fiiiinneee. Then when you complain she gets to be proven right that she has the meanest! Dil! Ever!
Can you remove yourself from the equation for the next visit? Like maybe if MIL is coming over you could let N take over and get out to get a break even if its to the grocery store or walking around a park or the mall. N seems like hes pretty great at keeping E’s needs met and you can ask him to not share any MIL ridiculousness while you are away. I understand if you don’t feel comfortable with this! The only other thing I can say as E gets bigger it’ll be easier because *she* can be a crazy toddler running away from MIL to play with her toys haha
@whatchyagonnado I think you’re spot on. Our next plan will be N going without me. He’s thankfully grown enough that he’s comfortable putting his mom in her place when it comes to E.
Well, removing yourself from the equation can take away some of the stress, but unless is N is absolutely assertive about strict boundaries, MIL will just domineer and boundary stomp in your absence. Then she will likely push for more time with Her SonTM and Her GrandBabbyTM without you, and continue to dive a wedge and cause strife.
She sucks. Her behavior sucks. Your judgement of her and your boundaries are totally valid. You do *not* have to be "nice" or sacrifice your happiness for her comfort for some fantasy relationship she is probably incapable of.
All I'm saying is that absenting yourself from the visits is probably just kicking the can down the road regarding the eventual reckoning that will occur and it is way more unreasonable to expect her to change her narcissistic personality than it is for you to enforce your boundaries now and be low contact if that is what you want.
My husband is an idiot. This year is traveling to my side of the family for Thanksgiving. MIL is currently house-bound post knee surgery. I suggested to him maybe we should go down on Saturday. He doesn’t want to. Cool, me either. I was trying to be considerate towards R’s feelings since kiddo’s first Thanksgiving and all that and I thought he might want to visit them.
But then he tries to act like I was nuts for even suggesting it and tells his sister in a “I got you out of another day with mom” way (because if we come down it now becomes An Event and all siblings must attend). SIL says it’s a great idea and tells MIL that evening. Today MIL calls to schedule Second Thanksgiving for Saturday.
I’m not sure if I’m more annoyed with myself or R right now.